Almost 3 years ago I reconnected with a friend from high school who I didn't know very well, but well enough that I felt comfortable reaching out to chat. In these past 3 years we talked in person, on the phone, emailed, chatted, and texted - not like, everyday, but we have communicated using all of these different methods.
Some of the conversations were to relay information, but sometimes it was just chatting like friends and sharing ideas and thoughts, or checking in on each other to see how we were doing. Sometimes I initiated the contact, sometimes they did.
There was a time of some conflict that made it difficult for us to communicate, but even after a year of this conflict, this person still emailed me and reached out as a friend. Or so I thought.
These past few months have been extremely difficult for me (and hopefully someday I will feel like writing about it and all the unexpected things that I faced), but during this time, I didn't hear from my friend. I knew it wasn't unexpected as I was going through such a difficult time, but I kept trying to make contact and finally last Friday I decided to find out what was happening.
To say what happened was totally unexpected is an understatement. I was told that we had never been friends. We knew each other in high school but nothing more. I made contact a couple years ago and we had some communication during that time, but nothing that warranted a friendship. I didn't know this person and they didn't know me. My attempts at communication were met with annoyance and ridicule - 'they would have given up a long time ago'.
I could go on with all the other side issues that I did to complicate matters, but underneath all of my drama I still thought I had a friend. Instead, I found nothing. I had misinterpreted everything. I've had to go through the past 3 years of memories and try to erase them all. This person had complimented my poetry. They had said nice things about me and encouraged me. There were things we had in common that we talked about. Now what am I to think? Any kindness that was shown was nothing. Any compliments or encouragement was a joke. Any commonalities were a farce. This person never cared for me. It was all nothing.
I've been dumped before as a girlfriend. I've even gone through the horrid breakup that is divorce. But I never expected that I would be dumped as a friend. Well, no, I can't even say that. How can you be dumped as a friend when you weren't one in the first place?
I've been deleted. At least with the other situations (i.e. girlfriend) there can be a cause. With this there was nothing more than an apology for any misunderstanding (that we were friends). My reality never existed. I feel a pain that I didn't know a person could feel. I didn't know someone could dislike another person so much as to deny them so off-handedly.
I'm still working on the deleting process on my end. It's hard because I thought we were friends and the interactions had meant something to me. It's very painful and I find myself crying at any small remembrance. I didn't know I could feel so lonely. Being deleted is the worst kind of rejection.