A few weeks ago I had an experience I hope never to have again. I felt physical pain so astonishing that I felt like my body's only defense was to faint. It was a nice thought - to go into darkness and not feel anything.
Since that experience, I have thought about what it would be like to feel other pains so acutely that my body's only defense would be to succumb to darkness and not feel anything. Today was one of those days that I wish I could have gone into the darkness. I didn't want to feel anymore. I was worn out, weary of life, and tired of pain - not only physical this time, but emotional, mental and spiritual, as well.
For some reason my mind tends to write poetry to deal with things in life. Today, this is what my mind caught hold of as I kept repeating to myself, "it's always darkest right before the dawn".
As a side note, my apologies to anyone who had the unfortunate opportunity of dealing with me today. I ask for your forgiveness and hope that you will extend mercy to me.
In the Darkness
They say it's always darkest
Right before the dawn
But I don't know who 'they' are
Or the the things through which 'they've' gone.
I only know my own life
And the paths in which I've trod
I'd never thought to go so low
To see the face of God.
My hardships have been many
As I'm sure all else could say
But my hardships are mine to fight
So I must find my way
To deal with disappointments
And the setbacks of this life
And wait upon the Lord
And ask His guidance through the night.
I need Thee every hour
But most especially near the dawn
When everything is darkest
And there seems to be no Son.
How can I make it through the dark
To see hope of dawn unfold
Fall down on humbled hands and knees
And there I will find God.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
In the time since my divorce I've found a couple of things that people say to me kind of interesting. I know that they have my best interest at heart, but I have to be honest in the way I respond to them. The first one is when someone says, "Oh, now you can go and do whatever you want, and be whatever you want to be." Really? The only thing I ever wanted to do was to be a stay-at-home mom - that was my dream. Right now that dream has been ripped from me, so anything else I 'get' to do is less than anything else I could possibly want to do.
The second thing I find interesting is when I tell people about the men I am getting to know. If things aren't happening the way they think it should, they say something to the effect of "be careful because you might get hurt". Not to sound self-righteous or snobbish, but I'm pretty sure I know a lot more than they do about having relationships not go the way I would like. I'm surviving being divorced and single after 15 years of being married. I'm pretty sure I can handle it if a guy tells me he isn't interested in dating me anymore.
Just needed to get those off my chest.