I Was Out of Focus

I should have written this post sometime last week, but I kept putting it off. I'm hoping that my procrastination will help me today to remember the good I have learned.

I have been struggling with having faith that things in my life will work out okay. Lately I feel like every direction I turn the door is being shut in my face almost so fast that I can't even take one step forward. I know that is one of the Lord's ways of telling me not to go in that direction, but I'm feeling like EVERY step I take is the wrong way. I feel like I'm turning in circles trying to find the way to go.

I was able to attend the temple last Friday and I was gently reminded that I was putting my faith in people, situations and things rather than my Savior. I realized that I was putting my faith in the arm of flesh. I had taken my eyes off the Savior and found myself sinking. I have tried my best to focus back on my Savior and have instantly felt peace.

I would love to say that doors have opened and I know how things are going to work out, but I can't. Apparently my current trial of faith is to trust Christ that doors will open when they are supposed to open and that because of Him all things will work out. It will not be because of anything I do. I know at some point I will see things clearly and have understanding. Right now I have to focus on trusting and believing Christ. It is difficult for me, but I have hope that Christ can and will provide the miracles I need when I need them.

Psalms 37:5    Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

Psalms 37:7    Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him

Faith? I Doubt it....

I know all the standard and trite (and true) expressions for the need for faith. I want to have faith - in fact, it is the greatest desire I have right now. How, though, do I have faith in the face of uncertainty, doubt, and seemingly impossible outcomes? I know, I know, that's the definition of faith! I know that God is a God of miracles. I know that faith precedes the miracle. I know all these things in my head and feel them in my heart. Why then does it feel so hard to do?
I know faith is strengthened when you exercise it but I don't know how to exercise faith more than I already am. I am weary from all the exercise - and lack of rest due to my seemingly endless need for more exercise. I feel like I "do" all the right things - pray, read scriptures, pay tithing, ask, wait, serve, attend church, attend the temple. I feel like I try to "be" who I am supposed to be - unselfish, charitable, kind - Christlike, but not perfect. I'm trying to have faith that my life will get better. I'm trying to have faith that God will keep His promises to me.

Is it ironic that I am so doubtful of my faith?