Amazing Apples

"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality."                - Unknown

I'm not one who says a lot of nice things about myself, but do I think I'm amazing? Yes, actually I do. Then how come it's so hard not to think that something is wrong with me? Just waiting for a brave apple picker tends to do that, I guess.

The Hero in Your Soul

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

 - Ayn Rand

It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is mine.

NIne Years

Nine years ago I became a mother. I did not give birth to him, but hopefully I have helped give life to him. He has given so much life to me. He is the funniest kid I know and has so much energy - and smart.....oh my, is he smart, too smart, maybe.
In nine more years he will be considered an adult. How does the time go by so fast? How fast will the next 9 years go? I'm crying already just thinking about it (really I am, but I think it has more to do with how emotional I have been all week). I remember seeing him for the first time and seeing his little mustache! I thought this kid will need to shave by the time he's 5 years old! He didn't need to, although he did try to shave once around that age and sliced himself up pretty good. He had the cutest face and biggest cheeks. He was my little boy and I was never happier. We video taped and took pictures of his every move. I remember just watching him do nothing but being mesmerized by him. Every day I have him is a gift and I want to remember and thank his sweet, courageous birth mom Elle for her gift of motherhood to me, and to Heavenly Father who guided her to place him in our home.
Our live are connected to each other a lot more we think. Pay attention to those people who come into your life, even for a short while.
A few years ago I wrote a poem for Alexander and was reminded of it a few days ago by a comment my niece made to my sister. Olivia is also adopted and she wanted to know why she didn't get to grow in her mommy's tummy because she really, really wanted to grow in HER tummy! I know how Olivia feels. I really wanted my children to grow in my tummy, too, but they grew somewhere else instead.  Here is Alexander's poem:

A Seed Sown in My Heart

I longed to be a mother

And the desire within me grew

I tried to do some other things

But deep inside I knew

That I would only be at peace

When you came in my life

But I did not yet understand

The pain and coming strife.

You would not enter easily

Though my arms were open wide

My body – it was broken

And my hopes and dreams all died

I believed there to be just one way

To see my dream obtained

For you to grow inside of me

Was the hope I could not gain.

The Lord showed me another way

To have you come to me

The way you came into the world

Was for more than one to see

Your birth affected many

And you’re loved beyond your years

For there were those who loved you first

And made a choice through many tears

That your life would be ours to raise

Though I did not give you birth

A gift of mother and a dad

To guide your life upon this earth.

I thought you had to grow inside

To make my life content

But what I’ve learned is that

You’ve made my inside grow instead

My heart is even bigger than

My belly will ever be

And I feel the love of God has come

From your life into me.

Now I realize that this love has been

With me right from the start

For your life was the seed of hope

That grew within my heart.

And Back Into the Light

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

"Yes, there will be moments of beginnings and moments of endings throughout our lives, but these are only markers along the way of the great middle of our eternal lives....Being always in the middle means that the game is never over, hope is never lost, defeat is never final. For no matter where we are or what our circumstances, an eternity of beginnings and an eternity of endings stretch out before us. - Deiter F. Uchtdorf

What a difference a day makes. And it's not just the day, it's everything that has happened in that day that has changed me into who I am able to be today. I wish I could have recorded my 1 1/2 hour conversations with my best friends to share all that I have learned. I hope my brain will help me remember all I feel that I need to write - I'm better at poetry.

Be patient with me as there are so many details I wish to share, but because it is late, I want to do it with a fresh mind.

Until tomorrow, then......

In the Darkness

A few weeks ago I had an experience I hope never to have again. I felt physical pain so astonishing that I felt like my body's only defense was to faint. It was a nice thought - to go into darkness and not feel anything.
Since that experience, I have thought about what it would be like to feel other pains so acutely that my body's only defense would be to succumb to darkness and not feel anything. Today was one of those days that I wish I could have gone into the darkness. I didn't want to feel anymore. I was worn out, weary of life, and tired of pain - not only physical this time, but emotional, mental and spiritual, as well.
For some reason my mind tends to write poetry to deal with things in life. Today, this is what my mind caught hold of as I kept repeating to myself,  "it's always darkest right before the dawn".

As a side note, my apologies to anyone who had the unfortunate opportunity of dealing with me today. I ask for your forgiveness and hope that you will extend mercy to me.

In the Darkness

They say it's always darkest
Right before the dawn
But I don't know who 'they' are
Or the the things through which 'they've' gone.
I only know my own life
And the paths in which I've trod
I'd never thought to go so low
To see the face of God.
My hardships have been many
As I'm sure all else could say
But my hardships are mine to fight
So I must find my way
To deal with disappointments
And the setbacks of this life
And wait upon the Lord
And ask His guidance through the night.
I need Thee every hour
But most especially near the dawn
When everything is darkest
And there seems to be no Son.
How can I make it through the dark
To see hope of dawn unfold
Fall down on humbled hands and knees
And there I will find God.

Wanted

I will give my heart to the man who sings me this song - and means every word.

Random Thoughts

In the time since my divorce I've found a couple of things that people say to me kind of interesting. I know that they have my best interest at heart, but I have to be honest in the way I respond to them.  The first one is when someone says, "Oh, now you can go and do whatever you want, and be whatever you want to be." Really? The only thing I ever wanted to do was to be a stay-at-home mom - that was my dream. Right now that dream has been ripped from me, so anything else I 'get' to do is less than anything else I could possibly want to do.

The second thing I find interesting is when I tell people about the men I am getting to know. If things aren't happening the way they think it should, they say something to the effect of "be careful because you might get hurt". Not to sound self-righteous or snobbish, but I'm pretty sure I know a lot more than they do about having relationships not go the way I would like. I'm surviving being divorced and single after 15 years of being married. I'm pretty sure I can handle it if a guy tells me he isn't interested in dating me anymore.

Just needed to get those off my chest.

The end.